Infield Chatter

(Brian Roberts obviously believes in the future for the O's. If he believes, why shouldn't you? Oh, because they didn't offer you $40 million to root for them. Good point.)

Last night, Camden took a gander at the Birds who will be patrolling the grass at the Yard this summer and, I don't know about you, but I smiled at the thought of Sugar Bear and Nick the Dick getting it done night in and night out.

So now lets take a look at who will be doing work on the infield this season for Dem O's. The Dirty Birds. God, I'm a big effing dork. This will round out our look at the everyday players and then we'll get into the pitching staff. And we'll all want to shotgun lighter fluid when we do. OK, enough chit chat, let's get into the O's infield.

I'm not going to get into the prospects here too much, because we likely won't see many this summer, barring injury (with one HUGE exception – I think we all know who). So let's start behind the dish and work our way around. Camden assigned each player a music quote, and that was cool, but I'm more of a movie guy.

(Hang on, I'm not feeling the juices right now. Let me crack open a cold Budweiser and throw in a chew....ah, there we go. Time to fuckin' roll).

Anyway, we'll do a movie quote for each player to spruce the shit up a bit. And why not start with arguably the most quoted, played out comedy of the decade, Anchorman? Why? Because I've seen it 4 trillion times and it still makes me laugh. Out loud.

"I know what you're thinking and the answer is, yes, I do have a nickname for my penis. It's called The Octagon. But I've also nicknamed my testes. The left one is James Westfall and the right one is Dr. Kenneth Noisewater. You ladies play your cards right, you just might get to meet the whole gang."

To the Opening Day starting catcher, Gregg Zaun. I always wondered, what's with the two g's on Gregg? Should I go by Macc? Gregg Olson was the same way. Creeps me the fuck out. Anyway, we all know Double G is just keeping the spot warm for The Cure (that's Matt Wieters, in case you weren't sure), so I'm not too worried about his performance. If nothing else, he gives the Birds' pitchers a veteran presence and a solid glove. And it'll be nice to have a wily vet for The Cure to lean on when he gets the call to come up and liberate us all. Can he hit? Eh, not really. But he's not an automatic out. Fuck, he can't be a worse hitter than Paul Bako.

Why the quote? I don't know, I can just picture Double G out at a bar in Canton using this line of a couple of chesty broads.

"I don't know how to put this...but I'm kind of a big deal. People know me."

To The Cure. Matty W. It's only a matter of time before he's lighting shit up in the bigs, but how soon is too soon? For most of us, April 6 isn't soon enough. But let's let him rip tits in Norfolk for a few weeks and work on calling a game a bit, and then come up and give us all wet dreams. My guess? He'll be up before Memorial Day. When he does come up, he's an immediate impact player. I'm not going to dwell on his ability too much, because we all know what he can do. I honestly think that if he spends his career in Baltimore, they may have to make room for 15 out there in the retired numbers.

"Go fuck yourself, San Diego."

To Aubrey Huff, the new every day first baseman. I have a feeling Huff Daddy should go on a radio show and talk shit on Baltimore every offseason, if it means we'll get .304, 32 HR, 108 RBI and almost 50 doubles every year. Hell, it won't bother me that much. I mean, I'm not sure which Aubrey to expect this year. Last year's version, or the shit storm we saw in 2007? Talk about a two-face. My guess is somewhere in the middle. He has pretty good lineup protection right now, and he's comfortable in Charm City these days, so I don't expect 30 homers again (but it sure as hell would be nice), but 25 and 100 RBI should be about right. Defensively, he ain't winning any Gold Gloves, but he didn't make any errors in 194 innings at first last year, so he's not a trainwreck either. Could be worse, I suppose.

"I am a MAN! An ANCHOR-man! I'm a man who invented the wheel and built the Eiffel Tower out of metal and brawn, that's what kind of man I am."

To the heartbeat of the infield and the leader of the club – Brian Roberts. B-Rob proved he believes in the direction the organization is taking by signing that extension a few weeks ago. I honestly didn't think he was going to be around long term, and I'm thrilled to death that he is. Why? Read the quote, homes. Brian Roberts is a fucking MAN on the baseball field. He terrorizes pitchers on the basepaths, he's good for at least 50 doubles, he makes plays in the field, and he brings hot tail to The Yard for us all to drunkenly stare out. He's, in my opinion, the best leadoff hitter in the division and one of the top five leadoff guys in the game. He is 31, though, so I'm not sure how much longer he'll be on top of the game, but it's hard not to love a guy who has spent his entire career here.

"What? You pooped in the refrigerator? And you ate the whole wheel of cheese? How'd you do that? Actually I'm not even mad, that's amazing."

To the newest, and most needed, member of the Oriole infield, shortstop Cesar Izturis. Now, don't be misled by the quote, I'm not saying Izzy shits in peoples' refrigerators (maybe he does, what the hell do I know). What I mean is that he's going to do some freaky, Houdini shit in the field this year that's going to amaze us. Amazing shit like Baxter getting into the fridge, eating a wheel of cheese and dropping a deuce. No offense to Freddy Boom Boom Bynum, Wee Willie Keeler, Jeff Reboulet and whoever the fuck else walked through the revolving door of shortstops last year, but getting Izturis is like eating a filet mignon when you're used to $2 steaks at the Golden Corral. Can he hit? Fuck and no. But he's not an automatic out, either. But what he gives them in the field more than makes up for it. Dude's got a Gold Glove and a career fielding percentage of .979. Plus he actually gets to balls in the hole that the Revolving Door and a juiced up Miggy Tejada simply couldn't. He'll lock down this position for the next couple of years (he's only 29).

"Where'd you get those pants, the...toilet store?"

To Izzy's backup, Robert Andino. You know, the career .201 hitter the O's traded former top prospect Hayden Penn for a couple of days ago. Baffling to me why they didn't give Penn a couple of starts just to see what happens (I mean, considering guys like Alfredo Simon are in the rotation), but he had plenty of chances and was out of options. I guess. Anyway, I think this guy's a poor man's Boom Boom Bynum, which basically makes him a bag of shit. Hope I'm wrong.

"We've been coming to the same party for 15 years, and in no way is that pathetic."

To the longest-tenured Bird, Melvin Mora. What a freaking season Mora had last year, topping 20 homers and 100 RBI. In the second half, he was hotter than Lindsay Lohan back before she became a drunk cocaine vaccuum. And he's solid at the hot corner. He's not going to make any of us forget about Brooks, but he gets the job done. Question is, for how much longer? I mean, he IS 37 now. And he has like 14 kids, which I'm sure make him like 10 years older. Brandon Snyder (or Bill Rowell if he ever removes his head from his ass) seems to be the third baseman of the future (if he can get his shit straight this year), but it's Mora for now. If he can stay healthy, he'll be solid.

"I'm proud of you fellas, you all kept your head on a swivel, and that's what you gotta do when you find yourself in the middle of a vicious cockfight."

To the enigma of this infield, Ty Wigginton. Can't you picture Wiggy busting skulls if there were a bench clearer? Good times.

Anyway, if Mora gets hurt or breaks a hip or something, Wiggy can fill in at third. He can at least play to give him a rest. I'm actually pretty excited to see what he can do in the Yard. Dude definitely has 20 homer pop, and played very well for Houston last year. I think he could be an x-factor for this club or, at the very least, some damn good trade bait. Another good signing I think.

"Ron, there are literally thousands of men that I should be with, but I'm 72 percent sure that I love you."

To Luke Scott, who looks to be our primary DH. I mean, there are ton of other guys I'd probably rather have in the lineup than Luke, but I'm 72 percent sure that I like him. He's streaky, but he can hit when he's on. It'll be interesting to see how he adjusts to being a full time DH.

Quick funny story about Scott. I called Camden after reading his OF preview last night to ask him why he left out Scott. And he told me, "Because if Luke Scott is in left, we are fucked." Well said.

Overall, it's a solid infield that should put up some serious offensive stats and play some good defense.

OK, that's it for them. Get ready to break out a bottle of Old Grandad, because we're on to the pitching staff now.

Camden, hit 'em with the starters.