Bullshit Power Rankings, Take 2

Our first look at one of the Baby Birds, Brad Bergeson, looks like it's going to have to wait a little bit. It's effing pouring at The Yard right now. What the hell is there to do to pass the time? Watch American Idol? Arrrrrggggghhhhhh.

Oh, I know! We'll roll out another edition of the Bullshit Power Rankings. We'll break down what ESPN and Sportsline have to say about our Birds in their weekly rankings, which are meaningless and often leave me contemplating where my world went wrong. Without further ado:

ESPN
O's – 22 (Prev. 13). "Baltimore lost the first three games of its series in Boston to drop to .500 for the first time in the season." Fair enough, although we are the lowest ranking .500 team in these rankings (note: ESPN posted their rankings when we were 6-6). I mean, they have the fucking Pirates ahead of us. Really? Come on. Although the Pirates have thrown four shutouts. Which is more confusing than the ending of "Castaway." Also, ESPN has FOUR teams that were below .500 at the time ranked ahead of us. Unreal.

Here's where they had the rest of the AL East.
Cito Sucks – 4 (Prev. 6). Top ranked AL team by ESPN, but they should be in the top 3 for how they have been playing. Kevin Millar is still the AL East's slut.

Pussies (that's NY for those unsure) – 6 (Prev. 5). Whatever. Wang's ERA is Liz-esque.

Douchebags (that would be Boston) – 8 (Prev. 15). Ortiz is more overrated than Ashton Kutcher.

Flukes (Rays) – 17 (Prev. 8). Hi Tampa, I'm Earth. Welcome home.

SPORTSLINE
O's – 25 (Prev. 15). "In the months to come, we'll point to the second inning of last Friday's game in Boston, when the O's held a 7-0 lead, as the precise moment when the team's season started its inevitable downward spiral ... Silly me, I thought Ty Wigginton was inked to help the offense ... Coming soon to an Internet terminal near you: "Waiting On Wieters," a parody targeting the huge baseball/Beckett (Sam, not Josh) crossover audience. Webby nominating committee, take notice." Sportsline is always so fucking condescending. I despise the majority of their writers. If they didn't have the best fantasy league sites on the Interwebs, I'd probably never visit their site. Stop trying to act like you know anything about us, Larry Dobrow.

Cito Sucks – 4 (Prev. 6).

Pussies – 10 (Prev. 10). Ha.

Douchebags – 5 (Prev. 12). Waaaay too high right now.

Flukes – 12 (Prev. 2).

OK, Bradley's warming up. It's game time.

Jackpot.